Winter Rose. 4th Petal. this is love

-Gerard’s POV-

I woke up, being overly lonely, didn’t know where I was or what I was, I just am lonesome. It was so dark in this room, even though everything was painted in white but the lack of light made it looks so dark, darker than the shadows around me. No one here and no one suppose to be around either, though it would be better if someone was here to accompany me or something, I’ve never like being alone.

I felt like being in a prison, everything was so plain and dull and there’s braces over the small window and the door was so tiny with only peeking-hole and some kind of mail socket beneath. I found so little light from the window and little ventilation too… I could barely find myself any oxygen to breathe with. I looked up to the corridor from the small peeking hole on the door, but no one was there, if it was a jail… I expect there’s some kind of police or guarder hang around there, but I found no one… I could only see white empty wall and another small door by the end of the corridor; their shadows were watching on me like if I was someone lunatic.

Starring at the emptiness of the ceiling, I grew tired and bored there was nothing to watch, not even a light-bulb. I stood up and try to open the jail-door, and it open, I wasn’t even trying to pick the lock, it just open like if it never had been locked before.
I looked around, trying to look for someone or something familiar, but I don’t know why, I have the feeling that I don’t actually want to see someone I know here. My sweat starts to drip, and it wasn’t even hot, I grew more suspicious on myself.

I quickly open the small door before me and rushing out from the empty room, I found a feeling that someone was waiting for me outside the tiny box, it could be anyone or anything I just hope it wasn’t something that kills. Half of my heart told me to just stay here, keep save, and don’t go, but the curiosity of my soul win, I’ve got to go.

As I open the door, I could see nothing but desert, sands, and the blue empty sky. Dry empty sands lay before of my eyes. The environment made me felt really dry but I don’t feel thirsty at all. I could see the clear blue sky starring above me giving me this empty feeling as I saw no clouds nor sun, no water source could be found to be a savior in the unbearable dryness. I could only feel dry, freakishly small, lonely and uncomfortable, I couldn’t feel heat or cold, and it feels like I was death no… not death, more like suffocating.

There’s something or someone in front of me, under the cliff when I reach the edge nearby the small building that kept me fearfully save before. I tried to walk down with bare feet buried in the sand, but it was sands after all it feels like I’m ripping my own flesh, I couldn’t control myself and restraining the pain, I decided to just sit and slid down the cliff, faster and painless. The thing became clear in my vision, it was someone in a black-gothic-dress, with laces hat that cover her face, black-laces-parasol, standing out red lipstick, and real pale skin. I found some gravity calling from her, absorbing all my strength and hope at once. I couldn’t fight it back and without me noticing it, my feet already walk into her direction.

As I walk faster into her direction, my heart was pounding hardly, it wasn’t because I’m running, it was because this adrenaline pumped with my heart, flowing faster than my blood, eating my thrombosis and bleed with my fear, I was unknowingly scared to death. I ran faster than I ever could but I didn’t feel a slight of tire at all, I felt so light like if I could just fly. As soon as I reach her, I couldn’t think clear, and when I realize who she was… I couldn’t stop my body from jumping out to her, she was my grandmother. She hugged me welcomingly and tighten it as soon as my whole body steady on the ground, she caress my face and smiled to me, I felt like a kid again, like I suppose to be. She was smiling to me, but suddenly her smile changes to hatred-look. She buried her nails in my back and I could feel pain and warm blood running on my skin, my flesh was sore, like a pig being chopped away from its head, but I sure can mind the pain later, I’m not letting go of her.

She kissed my cheek and breaks my limbs. I screamed, I couldn’t take the pain anymore, she wasn’t my grandmother, and my grandmother wouldn’t do that to me. Suddenly a dark-hole open behind my grandmother’s back. She smiled to me with a pair of dangerous eyes I’ve never seen on her before. She choked me and whisper, “Come with me, Gerard…”

“GERARD” someone yelled at me and shook my body harshly, I couldn’t identify his voice.
I was struggling from the pain that gradually disappear, trying hard to open my heavy eyes. “GERARD!!!” once again he yelled at me.

The light was on, the pain had ended and Frank was there, his eyes were on mine, and it was tense and full of worries, his warms arm were on my shoulder, gripping it so tightly until I could feel slightly hurts.

“Frank?” I could feel my eyes were wet.

“Thanks God,” he sighed out, relieved, “You were screaming so loud and I grew worried, I thought someone might have choked you or something…” well, someone does.

I blinked twice, made sure that it was him… yes it was his worries dim-hazel eyes staring at mine, his warm hands on my back and his fruit-smelled breathe on my face, it was Frank Iero before my scared eyes, not the old-woman who tried to rips my flesh and broke my bone… it was him.

I hugged Frank, I was scared to death before, but his existence makes me feels save, he had always makes me feel so. His right arm was caressing my hair while his left arm patting on my naked back softly, I was crying in his hugs and wet his shoulder, I did it like a child, “Nightmares?” his voice sounds so… I don’t know, loving?

I nodded and sob, “Fwankie… I was fucking scared… I thought I was going to be death!” I sounded like a kid, like I used to be, like I suppose to be.

He chuckled and ruffled my hair, making me stop my tears at once. “You looked like a girl when you cry!” he teased me happily and wipes my tears away. He was right, I feel like a girl when he’s around, I feel so weak, spoiled, my stomach feels so absurdly warm and itchy, I suddenly want to call his name again and again continuously forever and I need to hear his voice and in need to have love, in need of his loving touch, in need of him, in need of his love…

Frank stood up and opens the curtains in the room. “I’m going out today… you coming?” the light was blinding, I couldn’t see him but I nodded. As soon as my eyes getting used to the light, I was impressed by Frank’s piercing, it gave me the itch of pain on one and every part of my body, scary needles creep me. “Great, then let’s go!” but that lip-ring on his lower lip looked so perfect on him, perfect man.

“Um… Frank… I… my clothes…” I couldn’t see a thing. I must admit everything was too blinding, the baby-blue paint glows and the white doors are becoming brighter than how it was last night.

Frank blushed, “Oh yeah… umm… euh… I’ll make you breakfast!” was he embarrassed or something? Well, he did touch my naked back before… but we both guys right… even though in a different way.

I realize… very clearly realize that there’s something different with my lower part ever since I met him. The hard-on I’ve gotten used to since I met him again, sometimes my childish sick mind still slips in my brain. And I must admit that I’m enjoying the sensation of an adult, the pleasure of growing up, the time I have been waiting before.
Everything in this world becomes so sensual and smutty sweet to my soul, but I also have to face the mindlessly devious reality, also need to have a thought on the life I face now. And of course 20 years of coma got me all matured up as I had deep thought of everything I’d like to do, and memories the study mom taught me, but I’ve never face it before I’ve never did anything in practical way, this was my first time to face maturity, to face the real test of world.

After putting all the clothes Frank had prepared me to wear last night. I rushed down stair and found him preparing the breakfast; he seems to enjoy doing house-chores, what an adult.
“Frank?” I called out and seat on the bar-chair like I did yesterday. He just gave me a small nod as reply that he was listening. “Can… cant I call home?” I shyly asked while digging through my food, wondering if he put the most fateful broccoli ever.

“Well…” Frank scratched his look-not-itchy chin, “The telephone is broken and I destroyed my cell-phone someday ago. It’s already fucked up anyway, so I need a new one. Am going to buy it today, so… the answer is no.” he was embarrassed, the way he scratch his look-not-itchy chin made me want to lift it up and stare down to his face, as I was taller but no… That would be weird if I really did that.

“Oh… umm… well, Frank…” I lick down the last spoon, finishing all the sweet-cereals, gulping down slowly while watching Frank moves around. “Can…” he crossed over to some place, but I could make sure he was still listening to me. “Can I stay with you?” I gulp down my own saliva, “I mean… from now on…” he was watching my back. I couldn’t make sure, didn’t dare to check either, but I knew he just watching me as I walked to the sink and start to wash my bowl, fuck Gerard you’re a coward!

“Well, then…” Frank coughed, “You shall ask your relative first, and you got a brother right?” I couldn’t face him, it was embarrassing. “But you still have to pay for your life expenses… I won’t take any rent cost, so don’t worry.” When I turn my back he was already in front of me, “Still want to stay with me?” he smiled, he was SMILING LIKE FUCK HE DID!

I couldn’t help myself but smirk, “Hell yes!” I could feel the heat on my face, I could, it wasn’t cold, but I could, I was blushing! I did! Fuck since when did I became so girlish.

He smiled, somehow looks satisfied, he grab my hand and half-dragging me to the garage, located beside the dining-room, there was a shortcut door that never get noticed before. I saw a weird-looking new black city car and it made some ‘Beep Beep’ sound when Frank get the key out. He let me enter first and I was impressed by the interior, skulls, scorpion, the misfit logo, every cool thing were there, the seat was fluffy and the car smelled like citrus and tobacco, a nice-smelling weird blend. I could find some confusing things around that I’ve never seen before, being coma for two decade sure makes you not updated.

I buckle in my seat-belt as soon as Frank got in the car, habits. I bit my lower lips, wondering if he would kindly explain these sophisticatedly weird to my innocent eyes.
“This is called CD-player –”he explained everything to me carefully, like a good-teacher to his good-student clearly and happily, I could see no burdened expression shown on his face. He sure was a generous man, like he always been.

He drove carefully; pass the weird houses I’ve never seen and the park. “Frank stop!”
He stopped at once, “It’s my house over there! I’ll pack some stuff and meet you up later, would you mind?”

“No, I won’t mind.” He crossed over my body and open the door for me, I was holding back my breath; my heart was ripping out my flesh painfully. I knew I’m in love with him.
He watched me going off and smiled, “I’ll pick you up at 3.” He licked his lip-ring and I wish I’ve vanish there.

“Deal~” I hid my blush with a grin, talking to him was fun, and I knew I won’t find this kind of happiness if I stay with Mikey, don’t want to feels guilty forever.

I ran to my house with giggles following after my step, I feels so airy, light and happy, the flying bird in my stomach mock my pride out, the running blood in my vein was making me feels nut, the heat on my face was of course abnormal, I felt like a little girl boy, childish and in love, excited about his journey to this-called building a relationship, craving to see the lover that he would never let go off. No, I wouldn’t blame Frank for being a bisexual and made me in love with him, he was smutty sweet, freakishly nice, suave yet loving, he smiled handsomely and stare with an adorably cute look, his finger-press were so right to my body and his arms were warm. I was in love; I give no shit I knew I was. I was still a fucking child when I knew what is love, we don’t even know for so long yet… but this is LOVE… love isn’t like cigarettes, there was no filter made for love, no age filter, no gender filter, nothing to break the incredibly strong chain on someone’s feeling, because this is LOVE.

Winter Rose. 3rd Petal. A lil bit gay

-Gerard’s POV-

“For 20 years?” Franks eyes widened. He looked at me with an expression of disbelief even thought he didn’t look straight to my eyes, but I was sure that he looked at me. He was in shock, I knew, it shocked me when I heard about it too.
“Oh wait, I’m sorry, don’t cry…” I knew my eyes were wet, tears ready to drop and I wanted to cry too, but I didn’t know why I still trying to stop it. I couldn’t hold the emotion of guilt and regret buried deep inside my heart.

I couldn’t face the truth that I have wasted my 20 precious years by laying on the gloomy hospital bed, listening to people’s miserable voice and cries, and sometimes I listen to my own pleading soul who was alone and lonely, in the dark world that none ever reach. I’ve missed all the happy and the sad time around me. I missed Mikey’s graduation as the best student at elementary, junior-high and high school, Mikey’s bachelor degree, my beloved Grandma’s death, my mother and father car crash which took their lives away… and person by person just gone from the list of my most loved living-people of my life and goes to my most loved death-people of my life and death.
As everyone walks their world, dying and living… I only walk in the darkness getting lonelier when everyone was just too busy to come visit me and eventually forget me, the pathetic guy who live no world but misery. Mikey, my brother was also too busy working, earning money to pay off my hospital cost and for his own survival, I don’t even know if he actually have times to enjoy his life and laid back a bit. And I… I could just wait in despair, not knowing where God going to take me, heaven, hell or back to the world… but honestly, I wish I was dead instead of being in a coma, burdening and waste everyone around.
I sobbed. I couldn’t stop my tears as I thought of those scary things I always have in mind ever since I understand the situation I was in.

“Well, you know what, Gerard?” Frank got up, I wish he wasn’t mad or something, he sounded cold yet expressionless, I just couldn’t make sure.
“I’m sorry for what I’ve said.” He kneeled over me and gave me this warm looks, the warmth I’ve been craving to see.
“You don’t have to tell me about it, or maybe, if you need someone to talk. I can listen to you anytime you want. Its okay I don’t mind.” He smiled like if I was his child or a lost kid, he ruffled my hair and laughed as he wipes my tears off as I watch him standing and took his sweater off.
“Well, I’m going to cook some random seasoned chicken now… if you want, you can tail me to the kitchen…” he threw the sweater randomly to one of the couch and walks down to a door-less framed room.

As what he let me to do, I tailed him to the brownish door-frame.
As I enter the huge room, I could see some guitars hanged as display on the wall, the guitars had different shape than those in the living room. The dinner table of six chairs was on the left side of the table, along with six black leather dinner table, there’s also a fire-stove in the room and a painting of a black rectangle with a do-re-mi music note shaped like a boat above the stove-frame, the wall was pasted by a wallpaper with coffee brown as the background and pattern of white colored music note which looks really gracious to my eyes. The right side of the room was a kitchen with a bar-like wooden-counter that split the room into two sides, there are 3 dark-gray bar-chairs but I see no liquor at all. The kitchen was pretty small, with few marble counters, a big two door fridge, a black stove which attached with the oven and some kind of fan and light above it, there’s also a metal sink and a rack for clean and dirty utilities near the sink, the tiled wall are also painted with a music notes which I thought really cool, there’s some cupboard under and above the counter which might be the place for keeping stuff in the kitchen.

As I sat on the bar-chair, he took some bowl out and offers me a gum-flavored ice cream straight from the box, “Eat this while I’m cooking~ consider it as an appetizer.” He smiled warmly and gave me a small spoon, he open the lid and start to be busy with his cooking.

“Don’t you want it too?” I asked as I gulp down the whole spoon into my mouth, digging for another spoon and stare at him, waiting for an answer. I felt bad to eat the delightful ice cream without offering the guy who gave me.

He took the chicken out from the nosy oil and left the filter hanging, drying the greasy chicken. “Nope” he shook his head without looking at me as he seems to be busy smashing something in a blue big bowl. He seemed to really enjoying smashing the thing inside that bowl… could it be something creepy like… eyeballs or something sweet like cookies? I’d never know.
Frank took two mauve-colored round plates from a wooden-cupboard above him and put it in front of me. He grabs a spoon and a fork for me and also a pair for him, and then he took a big spoon and scoops something inside the big blue bowl.
“Would this be enough?” he asked as he landed some mashed potato (which I thought as eyeballs or cookies before) to my plate and form a small mountain on my plate which I actually like. I nodded slowly as he stare on down to me and see if it was enough for me, and then he gave me two pieces of chicken as he later serve himself.
He patted my head and smiled to me, “Eat well, Gerard.” He sat besides me and starts to eat.
We were eating quietly as then he broke the silent, “So… umm… Gerard… I mean Gee…” he digs the mashed potato and munches again. “My curiosity could kill… so I’m going to ask you something…” I don’t think he asked for permission.

“Yeah, sure…” but I answered him while closing the ice cream life, it started to melt.

He put his spoon down and face me, “How old are you?” his question sounds really stupid or umm… pure? He sounded like if he was only curios about it.

I dug the mashed potato, “30 this year…and I’ll be waiting for my 31st birthday in few hours again. It’s 31st of December right?” I said as I start to eat again. I couldn’t make my tongue stop tasting his sweet-moist yet well seasoned fried chicken and his super moist well-smashed mashed potato. I can taste the buttery-sweet-salty flavor dissolved in my throat. I looked at him who was busy eating while being adored by his foods.

“Wow…” he already finished his food. I could remember his portion was double mine, but I guess he was a quick eater isn’t he?
He looked at me but not in the eyes, I wonder… “You looked really young you know!” I blushed and stare down to my food, hoping he didn’t realize my heating face. “I thought you’re still an adolescent or something!”

“And I thought I was still 10 when I woke up…” I mumbled, trying hard to hide the fact that my coma feed me sorrowful memories. I wanted to laugh it off, like I did on other things, but this one was just impossible to do.

Frank lean over and patted my head, I could feel his breath brush my cheek as he stand up and took his plate to the sink. “If you not going to finish this fast… I’m going to feed you.” He teased me as he left his plate in the sink.

He made my face feel hotter and my heart beats faster, I could just explode at that very time. “O-of course NOT!” I dug a big amount of mashed potato and chicken and stuff it in my mouth. “I can eat it myself!”

“Of course you can~” he laughed playfully and put away the ice cream to the freezer. “I’ll wash the dish when you’re done.” He said while getting out a Popsicle from the freezer.
I’ve finish my food but I didn’t tell him, I was distracted by his unique gestures and shining piercings. He opens the paper carefully and shoves the whole red thing into his mouth. He gets it out and licked his lip-ring, and then his tongue slowly licks the body of the popsicles and enjoys every gulp of it. As his tongue reached the bottom of it, he gulp down the whole thing again and took it off in a sexy way, the Popsicle was bathed with his saliva and his tongue was playing with the top of it. I realized that my heart throb went really fast as I witness the melting red ice and his saliva mixed together and being gulped down by Frank. I found the urge to gulp down my own saliva in desire when I watched over him, I feel somehow delighted… like having my wet-dream once again.

He was about to leave me alone in the kitchen, so I purposely made a noise, signaling that I’ve finish my food.
“Where are you going?” I asked as he turns his back, facing me again. I jump down from the bar-chair and put the plate into the sink.

“Oh, you’ve finish?” he rushed my way and pushes me back slowly till I lean on the fridge. He grabbed a sponge and starts to wash the dishes, with Popsicle in his mouth and the Popsicle’s stick hanging.

“Yeah… you should just let me clean the plates.” I said, being really nervous around him. His tattoo got my full attention and I didn’t wish to go to other place. So I relaxed my head on the cold fridge door, waiting for him to finish.

He finishes the whole Popsicle in one last glom. I suddenly feel the jean he lends me became tighter than before. I hold my breath, trying to hide the embarrassing scenery he might don’t want to see.
“Here, dry them with this towel, when you finish, put them here.” He gave me a mauve-colored towel and went somewhere I can’t guess.
He came into the room again after I finish the drying up.
“Do you like music, Gee?” he kept on walking to the back of the room; he pulled off a curtain and opens the glass-door, walked down to the back yard. He was holding a white-colored classical guitar and sticking a cigarette in between his ringed-lip while gesturing me to come with him.

“Of course!” I tailed him and sneezed as soon as a cold breeze strike both of us, and I sneezed again when Frank blow the smoke from his cigarette. “Umm… sorry Frankie, but I hate cigarette’s smell…”

“Whoops, sorry, my bad…” he put off his cigarette. “I made a resolution to stop next year. So I thought I’d smoke some more but… nah, if I keep it on I will never stop.”

I felt bad. “Its 10 now… you can smoke… you only got 2 hours left anyway…”

He chuckled, “Nah, earlier is better~” He seated on a swing-able-bench and patted his right, gesturing me to sit there.
“Anyway, Gee, can you sing?”

“Um… I think I can… but I don’t know… my voice change…” I sat beside him and feel a little cold, but he was so close to me and his body was warm, at least I didn’t freeze.
“My grandma taught me to sing… but she passed away on my 10th year of coma…” I didn’t know why, but I wanted to tell him this, tell him about my pathetic past.

“Uh… well… I’m sorry…”

Silence… no sound for more than an hour. Frank didn’t make any effort to talk and didn’t even press a chord on his guitar, he was just staring at the sky while playing with his lip-ring. I felt bad… I shouldn’t tell him about it. There was no use either if I say its okay… because it was not okay.

“Umm… euh… Frankie… since I got no New Year resolution… I’d like to hear yours…” I at last break the silent.

“Mine?” suddenly he faced my and throw me a big smile. “It’s all simple… I want to quit smoking, get a cashier for the shop, adopt some puppies, drink less alcohol, be a vegetarian, live happy life, think happy thought and maybe get married with someone I really love~”

“Married?” he gave me a little shock, he wanted to be married already… “You have a girlfriend?”

“Nope…” The launched fireworks were like a background sound of my happy thought, its New Year already.

“You gay?” okay, stupid question, I knew… I was just curios.

“I’m a bi.”