From this place, I could see your faces, with all the light around, I could watch you moves, sway everywhere and there, you smiled to each other, and I was there; buried in jealousy and eaten up by the cursed hatred, oh… how much I want you… and I know that you knew… Gerard… but even if you really want me too, I couldn’t always work it out and break up with Mikey, your beloved brother, because I loved him too.
When will I woke up? I’m jealous to my lover’s one and only brother, I couldn’t run away, leave this feeling behind, I wouldn’t think back twice and consider his brother, they are just too close and I love them both. I wouldn’t let them get each other love; I want both of them to love me, one and only me in this faint world.
In a big way, I felt really small… you both are such flawless humans, if I let go one of you, I wouldn’t ever get you back. But… but I love you both… can I really get you both? And separate you from each other? My bloods were dry from thinking and my heart might stop beating me. Can I find good time? Good decision…
He supposes not to care for you like that…. You both have to beat each other goodbye one day and marry me. Both of you… even though it would might be too late.
When will both of you realize my existence? I was hanging here on this cliff, suppose to watch my lover by… and I watches his brother too. My sinful eyes were cold and my lecherous thought was awful. I just couldn’t let go both of us. And this heaven wouldn’t accept me from the beginning because the sin I’ve keep on committing, and why must I stop doing these unbreakable sins? But… does loving two people counted as sin too?
I’m not going to fuck around and cheat. I just need both of them and get me down in my hug, so there would be no necessary for me to check if I have a stalker syndrome, so there’s no necessary for me to get some pleasure which also could not be tainted. Both of them were so unbelievable and I just couldn’t go far away from them. I just couldn’t walk far, leave their live behind me, couldn’t stop watch them, being so happy and loving.
And there, the curtains of the shows were on, closing the beauty in my eyes, the smells I want to smell and the melody stuck in my brain.
Oh Michael James Way… my lover… the way you touch me was as good as how you touch your bass. You press my members like if you were pressing the chords, right and precise. You whisper to me every time you’re going in and embrace my face every time you wanted to speak, such a gentle… cold… but hot man… a flaming ember inside the ice. You and your blonde hair and the bang that hangs on your frame, your sexy lips which always open carefully when you talk to me, and slightly open when you collide that slutty tongue of yours to this seeking-for-enemies tongue of mine. Those eyes made me blush every time you looked into mine, it never fail to give me warmth and the trust of love the dishonest of hate and the innocence of cares… never….We… we have date each other for 5… 5 straight years, and I swear no one and nothing going to break this bond.
Oh Gerard Arthur Way… I knew you are sick, that’s why you rarely get outside… but that is a good thing to hear, good thing to know… I know I wouldn’t be able to face the fact that more people will fell in love with… more people will want you and more people will sacrifice for you… or you might even fell for other but me and your brother… I didn’t want that, no I really don’t want that. Knowing you were in love with your brother alone strikes me an unaddressable ache and some painful crack in my heart, especially that person is my lover. and you and your brother were not the same. Not at all. Your brother was such a gentleman while you… you are girlish, feminism, sassy and sweet, those bright eyes of yours and your black hair enchant me from the first time I saw you and those tongue, those dirty tongue that always wet me every now and then jail me deep in the breaking soul… ever since 5 years ago… even now…
I was staring down in regrets; I got up my feet and literally drag my leg and heart to their house. No I didn’t want to end the show just yet. I want him; I really wanted both of them.
I knew it was selfish to wanting two men at once but this urge I feel is too real to be said as lust. I love them. Both of them. I wanted to hold them and caress them both in these lewd hands. Just those two Ways…
If my life was a play, then I’d be the hateful main character or the lovely main enemies. And everyone knew… in a play there always be a protagonist and an antagonist, so… I am both… a pathetic protagonist who drown in disbelief of his eyes, disbelief of loving both men, who love each other too, a sad guy who sang a sad love song for his lover, a miserable guy who can only wonder when he touches the guy he ever wonder…. And at the same time, I’m an innocent antagonist who wanted to separate the incest and own them by myself, by my ego and my holds, my selfishness eat up my consideration. I hate what my lover love, yet I love what my lover love. I’ve always have distrust to myself, all these awkwardness and creepy feeling that rattle through my own soul… but sometimes I disbelief them, the people I actually loved… were they even human? Enchanting me together, like if I was a small-skittish summer fly caught in the graceful net made by these two beautiful spiders… how faintly.
And I walked down from the cliff, walking slowly to meet two loves of my life, hoping tomorrow comes late, so I could satisfy myself of what I had now. So I shouldn’t cry and plead more. So, I could just shut my eyes and be at peace to the very last… so I could…
Every step I took got me count of the stars, one star, two stars, three stars, four stars… those two pairs of bright eyes which looked-like a bright smiles when staring at mine, my dark orbs, both of the pairs looked so happy when they saw me, this lecherous smutty man, both of the pairs looked so sweet when stare at each other… the Waycest….
The lights were getting scared and the moon was shy, but the stars somehow dance around and enjoy the silent, accompanying me until I reached their fence-less house.
Everything shut tight. And they wouldn’t notice me here, outside the window, smiling at their silhouette. It could be something I don’t want to see, but I should never know and I might be something they don’t want to see, but they would never know too. Because the velocity in my heart seems to say I want to see it, they way to see me.
Me, wanted to see the Waycest, not the Ways are just too weird for even me to realize. I wanted to just barge in and witness it, because I got no time to pretend, I’ve got no time to hide this feeling. I have the urge to meet them, to see them in any condition… I have to…
Another conclusion, I thought I’m in drag. But I knew it was my own self-poisoning will-kill curiosity got me here. Opening the door like if I was a thief, walking slowly like if I never wanted. Of course both of them want me, this imperfect sperm sucker mortals mankind who carving for the two too beautiful perfect human, they want me because they love me. Because I love them. Because we could love each other.
If this life was a book, then Mikey will be the exciting starts, Gerard will be the satisfying end and I will be the reader on progress, enjoying one and every character there is the book, reading every dots and coma and indulging every second and time I spend in it. Then I’ll put a bookmark of my love in the middle of the book, marking that I love both the starting and the ending.
If this was a dance-floor I stage on. I’ll dance in ballet of the swan lake, playing as the vicious black swan who craving for a love too much or the innocent white swan who can always accept and give love without so much work to give. But there will be a slight different story, because the swan will love two men, two men at all. The swan will fly into two direction, two direction which actually were one, and lost… lost in the middle of them… not knowing if it could fly through both direction, choose one, or lose it all.
But too bad, I lived in this real world, damn reality; it’s as dirty as rape and as sinful as kill. I could only reading to my devious past and dances through the dangerous stage. I could only bet on luck and faith and gave my everything to pass it all and get what I want or throw what I hate. But even if I gave the entire life and devote two men, would it be acceptable and possible?
I could hear Gerard’s moan so delightfully from the second floor. A real pleasure he gave on and not pressure, I don’t hear a slight laugh of amusement or anything at all. It was a moan of satisfying happiness and regardless gratitude. They were showing love…
Feeling like a criminal I was, eavesdropping the perfection sibling and their process of showing what love meant, being one and inseparable. I was rather say I’m dragging my feet, I didn’t want to made any sound and distract them, so I silently walk upstairs. And as I heard more cheers in every step I made, should I be shock now? This is what I don’t want, but my body wanted to see it, want to be into it.
I walked in and witness. They were holding hand and their love was perfect just like the bond of true love. And after the whole time I’ve always hating, counting the time when I’d separate two of you…
Kneeled down and collide the floor, making no silent sounds, tears of unwanted joy form. I was such a lecherous dirty lewd, there was no more awfully awesome view than be the one who witness your two most love one… being one.
And after the whole time I’ve always confused, who to pick or how to separate. Liters of satisfied tears fell down, dropped by these entire conclusions. I don’t know what to feel but happy. You saw my face and shocked by truth.
You tried to hold me but failed at once. “I love you…” there are two guys that loved me.
Always thought you haven’t notice, always thought you don’t care, there was always me here, saying that I love you both, the last things I said to both of you, then everything hold back and I was death in black.
But by saying you loved me… made it harder to leave… and if those words could change something… I want you to love each other and I knew you already are…I’ll spare a room in the hell… or a room in heaven. So when I have the guts, to let you both die, because I don’t have time know… to tell you… “I love you too.”
When physics run in biology 